To: [email protected]
Cc: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected],
        [email protected]
Subject: The State of the Union

Well, the war is over and to be honest, I miss it.  For once I had a reason to go to your site, as well as Old Man Murray and those other rabid onanists.  The war, which I was really disappointed I was left out of, had its brilliant moments, and as much as this might piss off Kevin, I actually did laugh at some of it.  Fortunately, none of it was anything you wrote.

I hate to use Old Man Murray as an example again, but they did it right.  They use crudity and foul images as a sort of imagery that none of the tepid words you call stories can even imagine.  Jesus Christ, An Ultima Online fanboy page and whatever the fuck Musashi claims to be are just as funny as you are!  Which is good for them, but make you seem kinda pathetic.  As for Dethbot and his ilk, it's been a week, they've gone back to spanking it to newsgroups.  I bet it was fun and sure as hell wasn't boring.

  Considering I sorta started this with my E3 coverage, which I can't believe you can ever mistake for actual journalism, I figure I have enough goddamn authority to slap your bitch asses around.  I like fun at other people's expense as much as the next hack, as many of my articles attest.  But I can take this crap from my peers, people of equal ability.  I, however will not brook this shit from the likes of ye.

  It's not like I have any misconceptions about the Mushroom's place in history, but taking shit from you is like white trash with a trailer taking shit from the homeless.  The only good thing about you mocking our design for your page is now your page is readable.  I don't know what tabloid look you were going for with your old look, but it wasn't working.

  Your little closing letter today was supposed to make me feel humble, I guess.  But all it really managed was to irritate me.  The whole vibe of "we've decided to end this war, so you can breathe, but we'd prefer you closed your site" was such a joke.  You didn't end the war; the shallow nature of the Internet ended it.  It wasn't interesting anymore, and once people saw the same headline twice, they clicked elsewhere.  To quote Saint Robert in the book of Corinthians 3:18, "You had your shot...and YOU BLEW IT!"  More people clicked on your site from someone covering (or participating) in the war than you get all month on your own.

  All I can say is I can't wait for "E3: Day Two" to get published.  I stayed out of it, partially out of whatever I can pass off as "professional journalism," but mostly because Kevin asked me to keep my big fucking trap shut.  I already sent you one little love letter to take responsibilty for my own words, but nobody stepped up.  But anyway, while I kept my mouth shut in this whole affair, I did pay attention.  Enjoy the next update.

                                     With the Lord's love,
                                  The Reverend Sean Q. Doe

PS  I do have to congratulate you on getting mentioned on Voodoo Extreme yesterday.  Oh, wait.  That was us.

This is just a joke (need to start off with that): The Mushroom has posted an article "Brian Hook leaves Verant, Joins Ion Storm". Pretty damn funny stuff.  Once again, being The Mushroom (and being that I know Hook), this is not the case (joke kids, joke).

But, well you were on Planetquake the other day.

Hook Leaves Verant?
6/15/99, 10:22:00 AM

A good dose of humor regarding Brian Hook was found over at The Mushroom by my pal Ozone. Check out the article entitled Brian Hook Leaves Verant, Joins Ion Storm. You finally get to find out what game programmers do all day!


Ooops.  Us again.  Sorry.

(O.K., that last part was petty, but I couldn't figure any other way to do it.  I wholeheartedly apologize for such a low brow, unfunny excuse for humor.)

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To: [email protected]
Cc: [email protected], [email protected],
        [email protected]
Subject: Want a quick laugh or two?

First, the response from the wonderful, fruit flavored NGR.

hey hey!

We anxiously await the severe thrashing your site will administer on us,
and congratulations on voodoo extreme, I'm sure it will land you the job
at EGM so you can have fourteen year olds read your stuff.  We have been
on dave's classics this week, and we are so excited about it, I use it to
prove how great our site is.  Our stories are going to be like this from
now on: "We mention the name of somebody we know in the industry in an
unfunny story in order to hopefully get attention and links." Also
congratulations on knowing somebody who works for id, I'm sure it will get
you as many chicks as he gets from working there.  Either way, judging
from your hotmail account, you are a man of serious importance, so we'll
make sure not to cross you in the future!


p.s. please no more brutal bitch slappings! Your literary bravado makes me
flinch at the thought of another onslaught of barbs from your apparently
endless wit!  Also, we'd like to thank your mom for her work in the
alt.binaries.double.bestial.penetration newsgroup!  We had long thought
that donkeys and goats wouldn't work well on screen together, until her
master contortions proved us wrong!

Next Musashi added his two cents...

Man, this is the best thing I've seen yet out of the Mushroom camp!
Where the hell were you?

In retrospect, although your E3 report may have sparked the NGR retort,
the origin of all this nonsense was the way in which the retort was
handled.  Still, if only you hadn't kept your "big fucking trap shut",
this may have all been that much more interesting/entertaining.  One man
CAN make a difference!

Whatever the fuck I claim to be

PS:  I'm not sure quite how to take being called "just as funny as
NGR".  Good thing I never claimed to be a comedy site.  8P

then Dethbot chimes in with his creative wisdom....

I too enjoyed your mom while spanking.

And finally the UO fanboy speaks.....

At 05:26 AM 6/18/99 +0000, Sean Doe wrote:
(all sorts of htmlized crap that Eudora decided wasnt' worth quoting)

You know, someday, in the mists of the far future, I hope to be taken
seriously as a REAL AUTHOR like you guys. I know, I just write for "an
Ultima Online fanboy page" (whatever the fuck THAT is), and also write for
other general gaming sites in my spare time when not doing my newspaper
column. But obviously all that pales before the gods of mainstream
journalism that are th' Shroom. I mean, since I've never been noticed by
the great circle jerk that is the Quake fanboy community that you seemed so
proud of, I obviously ain't shit.

Just overcome with emotion at the honor of being on your bad Hunter S.
imitation spam list,


Those reactions made the letter completely worth it.   If we were more low brow, we could print them, but they're funny to laugh at, not funny on their own.  I think my point was made, God knows I like stirring up the sensitive ones, especially those who claim to be my literary peers.  One of the best things about them is the recurring theme of professional journalism.  As the one writer who could give a fuck about professional journalism,  gaming journalism or any future in it, me getting lectures on it are hilarious.  Me, a "real author"?  Apparently, I'm not the only one with drug problems.

                        Yours in Christ,
                        The Reverend Sean Q. Doe

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