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THE DARWIN FILES
At your fingertips, more information about the latest scandal out of OSI than you ever, ever wanted to know.

07/03/99 10:30 PM FOLLOW THIS LINK, GO TO HELL... IT'S JUST THAT SIMPLE

Banstyle sent this posting of the finest in UO roleplaying. Warning... reading this page will send you to hell. Really. Also, it's very NC-17, like that ever stops you kiddies.

07/03/99 4:00 AM DR. TWISTER - HE'S JUST HERE TO HELP

Battlevortex 35 has been released, with a long interview with your Friend in Space. While you listen to Twister field the softballs, you may want to see how the good Doctor's claims to legitimacy square with his original manifesto.

Or you can just macro your ass off in UO while listening.

(Don't feel bad, Dr. TwisTer, Stratics doesn't believe I exist, either.)

07/02/99 8:00 PM EHH, ALL GMS LOOK ALIKE TO ME

Got this note:

Hello Lum,

I am the Gm who goes by the alias of Gm Gabriel. I am writing this to ask that you remove my picture from your webpage. Gm Darwin never went to the player luncheon that the picture was taken from. I was one of the "8 GMs, all in various stages of body piercing, none of which were old enough to order drinks legally, stared morosely at each other, radiating waves of "they-told-me-to-be-here-they-didn't-tell-me-to-like-it-goddamit". " When you take down my picture, could you please leave a note that there was a mistake made. I don't wish to be accosted outside of the Origin building by anyone thinking I am Gm Darwin. Thank you.

GM Gabriel

Guess my chances of hanging out in the el33t OSI IRC channels just dwindled even further...

07/02/99 5:45 PM I GUESS I CAN BITCH ABOUT IT NOW, TOO.

Now that the Asheron's Call NDA is lifted, I can tell you all about what I dislike about that game too.

Seriously, they are doing a lot of things right, and I'll go into more detail later. (This is Breezy Update Friday)

07/02/99 5:30 PM LIVE BY THE BUGS, DIE BY THE BUGS, LIVE BY THE BUGS AGAIN

Dr. TwisTer's original full-bongo-bandwidth [email protected] web site is back up and running, and judging from the looks of things, he is not going to ever, ever, EVER let us forget that he broke the GM Darwin story. Ever. Ever ever ever ever ever.

07/02/99 5:30 PM HE'S GOT SOME ISSUES

Don't think I rant about EQ enough? Here's a guy who's mad as hell and not taking it any more.

07/02/99 5:00 PM OH, YOU KIDS AND YOUR REVERSE ENGINEERING!

Many of you UO players know about the dozens of UO server emulators out there that allow you to be your own Designer Dragon. Of course, they're wildly illegal, but that never stops anyone these days... unless they decide to move to Everquest.

Seem some folks are working on an Everquest server emulator, or they were until the Friendly Sony Lawyers told them to quit dat. They're trying to overturn the decision, using the stirring rallying cry, "Verant, tolerate the EQ Server Emulator". Tolerate? "Well, we don't really like it... but we'll tolerate it. You kids today..."

And like every other cause on the web, THEY HAVE A RIBBON. I think I need a ribbon too. No particular reason. It's just be cool to have my own ribbon. Maybe one that says "Free Erik Murray!"

You can get the whole story here. Seems like they haven't actually done any actual WORK, and judging from the amount of lawyers Sony keeps in a large cage off the California coast, probably just as well.

07/02/99 3:00 PM WELL THAT EXPLAINS IT

From last night's Darwin-free UOHoc chat:

Drizzt> if u don't want us to macro then how can we make our murderers blue?
DD> Don't murder. :)

07/02/99 1:00 PM I BET HE'S REALLY LORD BRITISH

Judging from this sound clip the next BattleVortex show should be interesting...

07/02/99 8:00 AM HERE'S THE STORY, OF A LOVELY GM, WHO WAS BRINGING UP SOME VERY LOVELY AUCTIONS

Since I am so heartily sick and tired of the Faster, GM Darwin! Kill! Kill! story, I wrote lots more about it, but got it the hell off my main page so I can bitch about killstealers in Everquest without further interruption. You may find it amusing, but only if you also were amused by Monica's Story. It is rigorously exhaustive, a few new conclusions are drawn you might find interesting, and hopefully I never have to write another update with the words "GM Darwin" in them.

07/01/99 10:00 PM THE STORY THAT REFUSED TO EVER EVER EVER DIE, PART TWENTY

The world at large steadfastly refuses to co-operate with my desire to end the Darwin story. Here's C-Net Gamecenter's take on the whole mess, which points out the troubling possibility that the worst consequence of this whole sorry affair is that Dr. TwisTer is now a legitimate journalist. Now THAT is more damaging to UO than any property sales...

07/01/99 3:30 PM THE STORY THAT REFUSED TO EVER EVER EVER DIE, PART NINETEEN

For those of you looking for More! More! Faster, GM Darwin! Kill! Kill! stories, PvP magazine has posted another interview by a fictional character, this one of Kevin "Darwin" Roseler's spokesperson, Alysha "Alysha" Roseler.

07/01/99 1:00 PM PLAYING EQ TO GET AWAY FROM THE KEWLDEWDS? I GOTS SOME BAAAD NEWS FOR YOU

Apparently there is a disease that affects EQ players that hits upper level players, called "flaming asshole syndrome".

A player named Kailo, a 40th level warrior who was thrown out of FoH on Veeshan (an act somewhat akin to being drummed out of the Iraqi army for cowardice), decided to have some fun and "train" the Oasis of Marr zone. What this means is that he got a lot of sand giants, who don't do much damage to him since he's 40th level but turn lesser mortals into gelatinous goo in seconds, to run around behind him beating up hapless players in his wake. Basically, it's the Everquest method of PKing, and apparently rather popular amongst those special souls who have an IV hooked up next to their PC and managed to con the government out of disability checks so that they could devote every waking hour to EQ.

Here's some messages about the affair. Remember when you read these sparkling bon mots, that FoH is the guild that GMs (and Brad McQuaid) seem to think are worthy playtesters. (By the way, they used to be a PK guild in UO. Goooo figger!)

The first thread begins
Kailo claims it was really a political protest

07/01/99 12:30 PM WATCH SOUTH PARK. GO TO HELL. IT'S *JUST* *THAT* *SIMPLE*!

I have a new favorite movie review site - https://www.capalert.com. Here's excerpts from the South Park review. I realize he's probably copyrighted it and all and I'm going to go to hell for copyright violations, even though he told us all to spread the word about this evil and satanic movie... but this is just too important. I mean, your immortal soul is in peril, people. You guys are all so cavalier with your fragile souls, doing things like sodomy and drinking rum and playing evil computer games, but... well, read on. Although if you continue to read this page, you will go straight to hell immediately. Really. I showed it to coworkers in my office and they disappeared, presumably to Hell. (However, I did get their paperclips.)

SOUTH PARK - BIGGER, LONGER AND UNCUT. RATED R

WARNING! This analysis is blunt. *South Park* is another movie straight from the smoking pits of Hell.

*South Park* is an *incredibly dangerous* movie for those who do not understand or are developing an understanding of the Gospel ....... INCREDIBLY dangerous.

Satan is portrayed as the homosexual lover of Saddam Hussein and is portrayed as a sensitive, loving and caring being.

Angels were portrayed as females - nude, very nude. God was called many vulgar and hateful names. Satan was glorified. Jesus was equated with sexual anatomy.

Body parts dripping with blood were ripped from a child by a surgeon who expressed shallow concern. The dead child was then seen with an exploded chest. The dead child, after being rejected from Heaven (by nude female angels) and cast into Hell, was then presented as a ghost trying to influence the other kids. Male chorus line dancers wore pink bikini briefs.

These are but a very few of the examples of ignominy in this celluloid developed in the fiery pits of Hell. And the kids in the audience loved it, almost as much as the adults with them. May God have mercy on us.

Note that the cut of the movie I saw did not include the sodomy between Satan and Hussein or I missed it while annotating other ignominy.

Canadians are vilified.

People laughed at the obscene jokes, gave obscene finger gestures to each other, and otherwise seemed to enjoy this blasphemous, immoral, evil movie.

The movie takes literally Marxist Professor Herbert Marcuse's statement that language is a weapon of the revolution, and the goal of the revolution is to tear down any semblance of morality, i.e., Christianity and the Bible. As Marx said, prostitutes are better than wives (whom he ridicules), families are bad and religion is the opiate of the people.

The future of our society looks very dim after thinking what those children will do and how they will behave after this powerful entertainment virus corrupts their hearts and minds.

 

07/01/99 12:00 PM LIVE BY THE BUGS, DIE BY THE BUGS. (KACHING! 100 PLAT, PLEASE)

I don't usually publish "You Rock Lum!" letters, but hell, it's been a rough couple of days. Plus it's funny, and it busts on the Twisty guy, and we all enjoy reading that kinda stuff. (By the way, I'm on Veeshan, not Rathe, so give that 100 plat to a cute gnome babe. Mmmmmm, gnomes.) By the way, I think clicking that ad banner earns xrgaming.net about 3 cents. The satisfaction of the readers and the occasional mash note from Neve Campbell are all I need.

Damn I knew twist was going to have to come up with some kind of statement to explain why his domain went tits up.... HAR HAR HAR man Lum you are the man, that is all I could ever say about you, I've been reading your site ever since twist linked you lo those many moons ago, I am very l33t I click on your ad banner nearly every time I load your page, I was a complete Lummite or Lummian or whatever long before now, but after reading this morning's update I just had to drop you a message and swear my fealty to you. And stuff. Hail Lum, Hail 'em!

Can you just -imagine- the kind of infraction twist must have gone through not being able to put his little 'click here to make us #1 dealie' on his retro website??? ROTFLMFAOWOKNRBSIUTTAIWS.... I remember being rawther pisshed about twist and his network of cheating bastard friends who knew about all the fabulous ways to rip everyone else off a few days in advance of everyone else, and it used to steam me up quite a bit when I used to play UO... and now... ah, Karma. She's a sweet honey.

Do me an honour, use the subject of this email on your site in some marvelously Luddian manner, and I'll pay you 100 plat on Rathe server... I don't know if you play there or not, but I do, and it would doubly honor me to know that I might participate in the public humiliation of that amoral wanker... frankly I think my headline is so good that YOU should pay ME, but I'm the follower and you're the, uh, writer, so.... anyway maybe you play on that server or maybe you would like to start up a character with a sack of money just for kicks, and frankly I feel I owe you for the weeks and weeks of uproarious entertainment your website has provided me. If you want either, they are yours. You've earned all that and more... I'd just like to contribute more than a few clicks on some damn stupid adbanner that I don't even read before clicking, let alone after! :)

God bless you, Lum. (P.S. I have a hat too.)

-- Z

07/01/99 10:00 AM YOU KNOW, DR. TWISTER SENDS ME MORE PRESS RELEASES THAN LADY MOI. I MEAN, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? I INSULT THEM BOTH

The man with probably the absolute worst luck in web hosting this week, Dr. TwisTer, sent out this note to all the respectable webmasters out there:

Subject: Blast back to the Past

Of all weeks, my server still is experiencing problems. I apologize for the lack of service but let me assure you all, the problem will be fixed shortly.

Until then, if you could post this little tid bit of information, I would appreciate it.

-------------------------------

Join me in a Blast back to the Past.  While the Dr.TwisTer Network is moving, we have brought back our Original UO site.  This site will only be temporary, but you can visit and expect to find all of the daily news you have grown to love.

Also, while visiting, you can take a look back on some great UO History. The Blast to the Past website is located at https://www.members.home.com/drtwister.

We look forward to seeing you there, and we look forward to the re-opening of www.drtwister.com.

Thanks for your patience.

Dr.TwisTer


_______________________________________________________________
Get Free Email and Do More On The Web. Visit https://www.msn.com

07/01/99 5:30 AM LET'S TALK ABOUT EQ, BAY-BEE

OK, new topic. Sorry for all of you who wrote me wanting to know more dirt about UO GMs, but hey - the state their rep is in you can pretty much make up anything short of statuatory rape and the rumor's flying that they're guilty of it. So fill in the blanks your own bad self.

A new, really, really high level plane just opened up in EQ. The Plane of Fear ...and I bet he's excited he has his own plane of existence now! And guess who was the first to explore in that new land... that's right, the Fires of Heaven guild. Here's some pics from their field trip.

This is, of course, the same guild that recently killed Lady Vox, the most powerful monster in the game. Of course, it didn't hurt that they had Aradune tanking for them. You know, the designer of the game? But that's OK, because as he said, he really wasn't all that powerful, in the grand scheme of things.

Rumor had it they had a GM intervene for them in getting one of their members to level 50 first. Just so they could playtest new things, you understand.

My own opinion - anyone who is already level 50 in EQ seriously needs to go out and look at the pretty flowers outside once in a while.

And moving right along from the somewhat fishy to the truly fucking pathetic, we have this. "And they LAUGHED at me at the Institute...!"

06/30/99 7:30 PM EVOLUTION IN ACTION

"You're just loving this, I bet. This is what you've dreamed of. All Eyez On Me, hey Lummy?"

You know, the plan was to phase out all this UO bullshit. I mean, I don't even play Ultima Online any more. I re-installed it on my hard drive the other day so I could try out some UOAssist character tracker plugin. Haven't logged in since. No real cause or crusade to it, just enjoy EQ more at the moment. Most of my friends, and more importantly the woman I live with, are in EQ right now, not UO. And these are, at the core, basically social experiences.

Why does this web site exist? Well, a couple of reasons... I like to write, mostly, and this beats muttering to myself as I walk down the street. On a more altruistic level, I saw the need for a voice for those players in games like UO or EQ who weren't being listened to by the mainstream "don't-publish-anything-that-might-piss-OSI-off" news sites or the "Look!-The-GM-banned-my-account!-It's-a-CONSPIRACY!" rants most of the bug sites have devolved to now that there are few actual bugs. Later, I thought it would be cool to do a sort of quasi-underground no-holds-barred community news reporting thingy. But mostly, because I like to write. It's a selfish thing.

"I think you're on the verge of doing a Big Thing badly..."

Then the Darwin fiasco broke, and all of a sudden I got to play reporter. I think the funniest thing about it all was that more than one person thought the interview was a parody. Sorry, guys, I'm not that good a writer, portrayals of human frailty like that usually have to come naturally. It's been a different web site the past couple of days. And I'm sure the guys who make those ad banners up top were happy about it; click the little graph button at the bottom of the page and you can check out the big ol' spike in hits the site got. Woo hoo.

Unfortunately, the point I missed while I was trying to ram it into your head was that it was all about people, and the mistakes they make. My mistakes, my biases and prejudices, got to creep right in there along with those Matt Drudge-like Special Bulletin Reports.

Overall, it's a simple story. Boy finds way to twist his responsibilities for personal gain, boy gets caught, boy gets fired, boy whines to Flavor-Of-The-Month-Website about how it was all for someone else's benefit. Pretty cut and dried, really.

I guess in my imitation of an unbiased reporter, I didn't emphasize clearly enough what I actually thought about the whole thing. Someone who emailed me about it put it best --

You're so right about this Lum, I totally understand how this will destroy UO. Who's going to trust a GM now? So many jokes will be made of this like "What took the GM so long? Oh, his auction on eBay was closing." GM's thought they had trouble getting respect before? They will NEVER be respected now. The ones who are trusted will now have shadows of doubt cast over them.

And it's all the work of one man. To paraphrase Dennis Miller: You're a punk, Darwin. A bad guy. Go to hell.

I know it probably never seems like it, but I care about the UO-EQ community (and yes, it's really one large amorphous entity, trust me on this one). A lot. 98% of my social life is there, and the rest is either work or email. (Yeah, sad, isn't it. Look at your own life before you start throwing any stones.) I do not want to be the catalyst of its corruption, and yet I look over the past couple of days and wonder... how did I help? What did I accomplish here?

The mainstream sites -- UO Vault, Stratics, etc.. -- ignored this whole thing completely, and that was probably the correct response. Yeah, a GM got fired. Not the first time, not the last. Twister posted his bit, and that no doubt surprised anyone. Twister probably cares about the community, too, oddly enough. I don't think he actually thinks about the consequences of what he posts, but the fact that he's kept after this, day after day, for the past year or so, speaks volumes.

Consequences. Good word, really. What damned Darwin, more than the auctions, more than the Mickey Mouse salt shakers, was the refusal to accept the consequences of his actions. "But it was for a friend", "The other GMs do it too", "It wasn't hurting anyone, really". Rule one - there is no such thing as a victimless crime. The more fake money that flows into the UO system, the less value those who actually strive for wealth and worth in game recieve. Why do I keep screaming for a shard wipe? Because of those dupers and cheaters who have keeps and castles full of millions of reagants and suits of armor they never earned, they'll never use. The system is corrupt; this is only the next step in the list.

It's not OSI's fault.

God damn, that was harder to write than I thought. But it's a simple truth. No system of accountability, no supervision, no training can counteract the ability of one determined person to defeat the system, and that's what happened. When they found out about it, they fired him. End of story. Trying to use this as a hobbyhorse to cavail about all the wrongs, real or percieved, in the way OSI runs their damned game makes a mockery of any valid point I may try to make.

As for the excuse, and that's what it was, that he was helping a friend made it all better... well, let me tell you a story.

Ten years ago, I was pretty poor. As in, if I screwed up my accounting, I ate Ramen noodles for a month, and if I screwed it up any further, I would be heating them in the street somewhere. Fresh out of college, no real work experience, bouncing around dead end jobs, still white-knuckled from a bounced speed habit (yeah, that's another great story that hopefully will never get told here), just basically a stupid kid trying to get ahead in the world.

I had a friend, who worked in the same place I did at the time, a large faceless department store. He was an assistant manager there. I would bitch at him from time to time about how I wasn't paid enough, couldn't pay my bills, phone was about to get cut off, yadda yadda yadda.

One day all my bills started coming back with notices that they were paid. I wasn't the one who paid them.

Some of them were big. Real big. Hundreds of dollars big. I was 3 to 4 months behind on most of my bills, and BANG they were all magically gone. I did some calls and found out out it was my coworker who had paid them.

I called him and asked about it, and he said he was sick of hearing me bitch.

There was no way he could have afforded to do that on what he made... it wasn't much more than I. And I told him so.

"Don't be stupid, Scott."

I told him to shove his stolen charity up his ass. He was quite surprised, and then offended. What, I was too good for his money?

Well, yeah. I was.

Of course, I wasn't too good to actually pay the money back myself, or even tell my employer what happened. There are limits to everyone's goodness, I guess.

But I can tell you, from personal experience, Darwin wasn't doing his friend any favors.

What does that have to do with anything? Not a damned thing. Just an interesting story, that's all. About consequences. Sometimes we have to bite the bullet and face up to what we reap when we sow.

Tomorrow there will be other rants, other idiotic updates about nothing in particular and especially not about GMs and eBay. Just remember to keep it in perspective, believe nothing of what you read at face value, and that it's all fun and games until people get involved.

Take care, everyone.

 

All material © 1999 Lum the Mad. Even the parts owned by Sony, Verant, OSI, and North Korea. ESPECIALLY those parts. If you re-use my content without my consent, I'll get my lawyer, Kevin Murphy, Journalist At Large, to get medieval on your ass.