August 21, 1999
||Bitch at Lum
NOW, REPORTING LIVE FROM THE FIELD...
Banstyle sends words and pictures
(mmmmmm, preeeeety pickchurs) of Metrofest
99, subtitled "OSI flies out to the Big Apple to give the usual
answers about necromancy!" But, of course, there's a new LadyMOI
picture, so all you cultists can go
here. (Oh, and there's like information from the developers and stuff,
too, but judging from my email on the last lunch you guys pretty much
are just looking for new MOI pics to print and paste up on your shrine
in the basement.)
August 20, 1999
||Bitch at Lum
ON THE SEVENTH DAY, LUM SLEPT
Well, not quite, but real life
intervened to prevent any updates Friday. My car died and let me tell
you I was quite pissy about it. I trust everyone survived the experience.
August 19, 1999
||Bitch at Lum
PORNOGRAPHY? I DON'T EVEN WANNA KNOW
The plot loosens in the "Gamehut
Wants My Baby" story, as a much better written (or better proofwritten,
anyway) email from the same email address ([email protected]) as the
prior email inviting me into the warm, inviting arms of the Gamehut Network
Ok, in good spirit:
1) This guy who e-mailed
you, Conrad, is a 14 year old. He was never affilated w/ GameHut besides
the fact that he was a news updater for a non-open site at www.evilsite.com
which is hosted my Gamehut.
2) He was fired for posting
"feces pornography" on the site. On his removal he took one of the other
members login / password and continued to post his collection of gay
pornography. After he was stopped, we reported him to the proper authorities(the
FBI Computer Unit at [email protected] and his Isp networktelephone.com).
He is one sick puppy who is crying out for attention.
3) Please don't affilate
him as part of the Gamehut staff because he isn't. The real Gamehut
staff is well over the age of 16 (try 22-25) and we all work in our
nice little office. We are tired of dealing w/ the rantings of this
Thanks for your time,
Game Hut Networks
Also, the private dick who's
a sex machine to all the chicks, Ronald
McDonald, wrote us in to school us all on TwisTer's secret identity:
You guys are way
off on your Dr. TwisTer assumptions. His real alter ego (you could have
just asked me, because yes, all of us "Wtfmen" know him extraordinarily
well) is someone I am not sure you know. When not updating his site
at Gamehut, he runs a rants page called "The Rantings of Lum the Mad."
I have attached the URL so you can take a look at it.
Hope this helps bring an
end to your unsolved mystery.
Don't bother thanking me.
Makes sense to me.
LUM SADLY DISAPPOINTS SLC KYRA
SLC Kyra sent me a long email
about the story below which only periphally mentioned her. She told me
not to post it (several times, including in the subject line, so I wouldn't
miss it), but gave me Special Permission to post this:
PS - 10:30 AM IF I JOIN GAMEHUT,
DO I GET A GAGGLE OF HENCHMEN TOO? Now is that your picture? If so your
wife has one hot looking husband :) (and yes you can print the PS part
- ha ha) see ya! - K
Unfortunately, (or fortunately,
depending on what you look for in a man), I am not Keanu Reeves. Here
is the official Keanu vs Lum Punchlist so, if you ever meet Keanu Reeves
or myself, you will know exactly which is which.
Keanu Reeves, in a movie
Lum the Mad, on his work ID badge
symbol of outer beauty and inner emptiness
of what obsessive web site updating can result in
a usenet newsgroup devoted to him: alt.fan.keanu-reeves
a usenet newsgroup devoted to him: alt.censor.scott.jennings.die.die.die.die
in a rock band named Dogstar
an extensive collection of bad music from the '80s on CD
in Beirut, Lebanon
in the USA
a UO guild with Canadians
believed to be homosexual
believed to be heterosexual
in "The Matrix", which inspired ex-Counselor Senith to
begin a fan club
"The Matrix". Did not inspire ex-Counselor Senith to begin
any fan clubs
crashes when driving a motorcycle
people believe that he should not be allowed on the highway
"Ted" in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure"
"Lum" in "The Rantings of Lum the Mad"
women and gay men worship and adore him
women and gay men throw things at him
by lum.xrgaming.net as the symbol for stories involving Dr. TwisTer,
as a long-running sly dig at the apparent lack of thought in TwisTer's
by lum.xrgaming.net as its author, is not believed to be a symbol
but an actual person.
"hot" by SLC Kyra
"horrible person bad for UO" by SLC Kyra
- IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING
Gamespot's Desslock has posted
with Richard "I'm Lord British and I gots the castles to prove it"
Garriott. Most of the interview focuses on the upcoming Ultima IX: Ascension
but some space is given to Origin's future direction;
Desslock: After initial
teething problems, you’ve had great success with Ultima Online, and
Origin has indicated that it is now going to focus solely on online
games after Ultima: Ascension. Since Ultima: Ascension is going to be
the last single player Ultima (and Origin) product, at least for the
time being, what does the future hold for the Ultima series?
Richard Garriott: Yeah, Origin
is 100 percent committed to capitalizing on the leadership position
that we now have within massively multi-player online gaming. I have
a personal drive to be a storyteller, which is a lot easier to do in
single player games than it is in massively multi-player games. In fact,
our storytelling in Ultima Online is negligible, but in Ultima IX, the
whole point of the game is to tell a story. We really believe that one
of the reasons why Ultima Online has had its success is because the
single player Ultimas created this rich fictional backdrop for the world.
So in fact we need to be able to do the same sort of storytelling in
a massively multiplayer game that we can do for single player games.
We have 130,000 subscribers
of Ultima Online now and we're gaining about 500 per week and have been
as long as we've been operating the service. Ultima Online is now the
most profitable and highest revenue generating PC product in Origin's
and Electronic Art's history -- that's how important the online market
is financially for our companies. We want to drive up to about a million
subscribers by bringing in additional Ultima, Wing Commander and battlefield
games and new properties in the online space. Our mission is to get
that level of activity done before we consider doing other single player
games. But interestingly, if you’d asked me this question about six
months ago I actually would have said I don’t know how to tell the sort
of compelling stories that I tell in the lineage Ultimas in massively
multi-player settings. However, over the last few months, as we’re wrapping
up here on Ultima IX and we’re beginning to get our thinking hats on
to start talking about how can we best apply our storytelling skills
in multi-player environments, we actually believe we now have the answer
to that question. We think that we can create what you might consider
a hybrid game, which is a place where people have a persistent life
where they can collect treasures, socialize with other people and go
on adventures either on their own or with groups of people –and that
those experiences can be orchestrated in such a way that they are just
as compelling as a “Quest of the Avatar” style mission in a single player
game. If we can pull that off I actually think that it’s a win-win for
everybody in the sense that we can put the best of both worlds together
and really create the ultimate virtual world entertainment experience.
Desslock: That’s interesting.
Ultima Online wasn’t the first massively multi-player online game but,
when launched, it certainly was the most ambitious and it brought the
online industry to the forefront of gaming. Now that the genre’s matured
a bit, worthwhile competitors are starting to arrive. EverQuest has
been released and it’s doing well. Asheron’s Call, by Turbine and Microsoft
is on the horizon. How is Ultima Online going to respond to this competition?
Richard Garriott: It’s interesting
that when competition finally showed up, we anticipated seeing both
a slowdown in the growth rate of our service or even a downturn in subscribers.
And in fact, interestingly as successful as EverQuest has been, we’ve
continued to add 500 subscribers per week. We did see a brief diminishing
in the number of hours per day that people were playing the service,
probably because people were playing both. However, fundamentally EverQuest
hasn’t affected us really much at all. Which is the same result that
games before Ultima Online, such as Meridian 59, noticed -- new products
have generally not diminished the market for previous ones.
The good news is that means
our market is really growing and we haven’t even come close to tapping
the potential massively multi-player audience yet. For Origin that’s
particularly good news because we already have a highly profitable service
at 130,000 subscribers. While of course we’re extremely proud of Ultima
Online, we also realize it’s just a first baby step and there’s just
so many things that we will do differently in our follow-up products
that we’re confident we can attract many more people per product with
our future releases.
GET TWENTY CARLYPOINTS, JUST BECAUSE I'M SPECIAL
The LadyMOI week continues
in fullbore, take no prisoners, shoot up the place with really big guns
style as someone on our message board points out this
LadyMOI interview from way back before she was LadyMOI pandering to
the horribly dysfunctional UO community, but when she was merely Carly
Staehlin-Taylor, pandering to the horribly dysfunctional Quake community.
I'm sorry, I can't respect
ANYONE who enjoyed Ascendency though. The honeymoon is off, babe.
WEEK CONTINUES AFTER THIS WORD FROM APPLE COMPUTERS, NOW IN BLUEBERRY
AND BOTTLE BLONDE
continues to gain accolades and attention, especially from law enforcement
officials. In response, here's some words from the owner of the server.
I am the administrator for
the entire Maywon't website. The site was orignially founded early this
summer to put my schools underground newspaper online and save me the
trouble of spreading it around campus the traditional way. I bought
a 100mb spot on my host server (I did this because I wanted to also
host more pages with other themes as time went on) and started work
on the scripting. Many of my friends at school play UO, and a lot of
them asked to move into some of the empty space on the server. I figured
what the hell, I have a lot of it (free space) and I know these guy
personally, so i did it.
When I first heard from my
buddy, who will remained un-named for his own good, that he wanted to
make a Lady Moi fan site, I cringed. It sounded like a terrible idea;
but he really wanted to try out his new HTML skills so I let him. I
admit, the site is cheesy in worst way. It sounds like a 15 year old
infatuated with someone he never even met before, but that's not the
case. In his defense, I have to stress that he is trying to be funny
and informative, but failing miserably.
To the point: I happen to
read your site every day, along with the WTFmen and (ok ok i admit it)
Dr. Twister. You are very entertaining and I keep on coming back to
hear what you have to say. What do you recommend he do to change the
site? I am not gonna take it down because I did promise it to him and
a promise is a promise no matter how many flames he and I might get.
Besides, the little shit actually talks to Lady Moi about three times
a day. By "talks" I mean that she writes back answering all his fucking
questions and they get along. That's more than my Wal*Mart
UO site ever got, so I guess it has some potential. I am very curious
about your thoughts on this matter. Please be gentle if your just gonna
post this and mock me, although that would be funny too. Thanks for
My thoughts? The site itself
seems harmeless enough and actually basically tells people to get a clue
and not stalk the poor woman, but I think the hysteria that is springing
up around LadyMOI is a serious sign that everyone needs to get up, turn
off the computer, and go meet an actual woman. Once again, here is Uma
Thurman to demonstrate what an actual woman looks like.
Clip and save, for
I recommend you print this
out, go to a bar, church or other place where women occasionally gather,
and hold the printout up by her head, so you can contrast her head and
Uma's head, side by side. If they have enough matching characteristics,
congratulations! You've found an actual woman! By the way, that tingling
sensation in your crotch is because she just kicked you there. It hurts
less if you bend over.
(By the way, I'm entitled to
mock this hysteria, since I basically started it. Nyah.)
I JOIN GAMEHUT, DO I GET A GAGGLE OF HENCHMEN TOO?
A couple people thought I was
actually taking Gamehut's offer of hosting this site seriously. One concerned
ex-Gamehut site webmaster wrote:
Gamehut is ran by an immature
sixteen year old kid who goes by the name of Fool, a name that fits
him. He makes money off the sites, which isn't a bad thing but it comes
with consequences. Fool forces upon you a small, yet noticeable, amount
of censorship. Bad mouth Dr. Twister, his money maker, he will tell
you to remove it, if you do not he will remove it himself. Posting a
link to R33T.ORG
would suffer the same fate because they host the Anti
Twister site. You will have to belive in everthing Fool belives
in or take that off your site. I highly enjoy your site and moving to
Lamehut would be a bad move IMO. Thank you for your time.
Kind of ironic, considering
Fool's moneymaker just posted a bitch about there's no
free speech in UO. Speaking of Fool's moneymaker, the speculations
on his actual secret identity continue to grow. This person writes:
Lum, first I urge you not
to openly mock me and such, as in my current emotional state I could
walk to the top of a bell tower... and, well, you get it.
Anyways, if you go to https://www.wtfman.com/mcd/september.htm
and scroll down to the date 9/08/99 you will see something about new
members, Vader and Shaitan. Now we all now Shaitan is TwisTy's pet,
and if you recall a few months ago, people were saying Tw. Drister was
Vader....and GM Darwin said as much in your interview with him... and...
well... since the entire WTFman crew prolly knows Dr T..... you get
where I'm going? The guild (/m\ on Baja, the Malagents, was Ron's guild)
probably had Twister in it, thus furthering the proof that Twister is
a person that would actually name their character after a well known
Star Wars character. But don't quote me on this.
OK, I won't quote you on it,
I'll just post your entire email verbatim. As for the Ronald McDonald
- Twister connection, it's possible, although I see him as more a Nighthawk
henchman myself. I mean, Ron
is too funny for Twister, and I'm not saying that just because he's shamelessly
HOUSE IS THE KEY
Another correspondent on the
slickazoid smurf on LS writes:
Well I can give you a second
opinion on all this Slade thing. Ya see I'm the guy in red next to the
pack horse. I was basically practicing stealing on the pack horse named
"you". Loads of fun watching the newbies call guards and threatening
to call gms cause I don't flag, while waiting to see my skill raise.
Anyhow this guy Slade wasn't a counselor cause this moron was yelling
guards and was trying to sell his spiffy blue shield. I talk to him
a bit basically telling him I wasn't going to stop stealing his bag
(which I was stealing from the horse called you remember :P).But he
was right, this counselor Stark was a show. He wasn't typing full sentences
just typing abbreviations and word enter word enter word enter, you
get the idea. He even told a guy how to trap chests without getting
flagged a criminal. (for those that don't know you trap the chest on
the ground of your house. to quote Stark "The house is the key".)
THIS GOES ANY FURTHER, WE REALLY SHOULD EXPLAIN TO THAT GUY IN HIS MOM'S
BASEMENT DROOLING ON HIMSELF WHAT "INTERACTING WITH THE COMMUNITY"
MEANS AND DOES NOT MEAN
The UO community's infatuation
with LadyMOI continues unabated. Essentially as one, the active UO community
(consisting of 1,274 oversexed male adolescents, 182 middle aged males
who still live in Mom's basement, 390 teenage males who pretend to be
women so that they can get free stuff, 2 actual women who pretend to be
men because they are terrified of the consequences otherwise, and Sorsha
the Amazing UO Cyberwhore) has begun, as one, to have a small
fleck of drool slowly run down their chin.
of Britannia, which unlike this web site you're reading now actually
does real journalism from time to time, actually asked LadyMOI what she
thought of all this hoofrah. Here's what she said;
I think the whole situation
is hysterically funny and I am glad everyone is having a good time.
My job is all about interacting with the community and if this helps
to serve that purpose, then all right! A really cool side effect is
that more people will hear about Origin's Online Community Relations
and about my and Calandryll's work. This is good because the more people
that know about us and what we do... the more we can do for those people.
Huzzah! Everyone wins!
The Other Guy No One Pays Attention To Who Actually Answers UO Questions,
when asked about this hoohah, said "No one pays attention to me!
I can be a sex symbol, too! Really! Picture me in Speedos!"*
* Note: Calandryll
did not actually say this.**
** but he COULD have.
YOU KNOW? THE SKILL CAP IS 200 ON SIEGE NOW
Adrick sends in a story of
what many of us have suspected.... atrophy on Siege Perilous is hosed.
I think your readers should
know that skill atrophy on SP is wacked out bro. As you probably know
I lost GM smith twice in 30 min to this. I refuse to play Adrick (Smith)
as anything now other than a smith. I created a new guy who only has
6 skills. His skill points add to a whopping 238 as of last night. Anyway
I wanted to tell you that last night after Hiding not 10 min before
I lost a .1 of hiding and gained a .1 of mace. I then hid and gained
it right back and lost a .1 of resist. Similiar see saw gains happened
on many of my skills and what was disturbing was I was usuing all of
them and have only 6 skills with values above the base.
So the moral of the story
is - on SP dont play a gm smith as anything other than a smith or get
the smithing last. Im kinda pissed I have to use my second account on
there but I am left with no other choice. I think this is a legit beef
for skill locks - I really dont care about any skill other than smithing
because of the makers marks. The other skills are only nice for the
title Grandmaster on the paper doll - the .1 is meaningless.
What many GM smiths and GM
archers are doing on Siege is buying 30 of a skill they'll never use (cooking
or fishing or some such) and hoping that that gets caught in the atrophy
You know, dev team, it would
NOT BE THAT HARD to code in a little skill lock. Hell, make it so it only
activates when you hit GM in something. Speaking from experience, hitting
GM in a skill is hard enough to achieve without having to do it over once
you accidentally gain .01 in camping or something.
The picture of the irritable
smurf sent in yesterday elicited some comment, as well as some healthy
skepticism from this guy:
Come on Lum, who knows what
the smurf said. People make up stories all the time to get attention
or just to be malicious.
the smurf really could have said
Then again, we have this report:
If I'm not mistaken, Slade
would be one of the original counselors coming from the era of post-bassanio
pre-ironwill reign of terror on the C program. I should know, I was
part of it :) If Slade of LS is indeed the counselor Slade i'm thinking
of, it would
1) Make quite a bit of sense
(Slade was one of those guys that would draw crowds of people around
him going "ur mufh betr than gms")
2) Cause me to belive he
either got kicked or quit the counselor program (I quit due to creative
differences to my SRC... we didn't get along. That and the whole thing
was and still is a joke)
I, for one, completely agree
with your views on the volunteer program. In my time, the SRC's would
hire twice as many counselors as they needed, because they knew that
either they would quit because it wasn't as r33t as they thought, or
because they exploited every possible loophole in the system. And the
age limit is pretty much a joke also. I knew counselors that were decent
fellows that would of gotten hit by that rule. I was under 25 also,
yet I was a C for almost a year. I seriously doubt that system will
ever work like its intended to.
On a side note, there certainly
are more idiots in the C program then before... maybe they should have
a requirement for you to write a 200 word essay on your life in UO or
why you want to help the UO community. That'll kill about 90% dewds.
A former Counselor. I'd prefer
to stay anon (Kyra would have my head)
August 18, 1999
||Bitch at Lum
SURE AM GLAD THAT OSI MADE ALL SMURFS OLDER THAN 25 NOW, IT ENSURES A
HIGH LEVEL OF MATURITY!
Slade of LS writes:
Whilst strolling through
Minoc, I stumbled upon a certain Counselor Stark. Now, I know many counselors
aren't packing too much in the way of brain power and/or people skills,
but this bad mutha fucka was lacking both it seemed. He didn't even
talk in complete sentences. After laughing uproariously at him for a
few minutes, I realised that this was one of those Kodak Moments I had
always heard about. So, I whip out my ScreenShot utility and, using
all the compiled knowledge of my Photography 101 class, captured this
moment for generations to come. Here,
in all its glory, is the sum of (Counselor)+(Minoc Bank)+(Possibly
large amounts of alcohol)
DON'T KNOW, MAN, THE THOUGHT OF LUM.DRTWISTER.COM IS JUST... IT'S JUST...
I just had to share this email
exchange with you all.
Date: Wednesday, August 18, 1999 2:10 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: I really like your site. =)
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is *** "****" ***** and I work at the "Game Hut Network".
You may know that name from such sites as Dr. Twister, Land of Eden, EvilSite.Com,
etc...Well, we were looking at your site "Lum the Mad" and we are very
intrested in it's uniqueness. We are intrested in offering you either
a subdomain at yourname.gamehut /drtwister /evilsite.com or maybe a domain
name if your site is large enough. We offer you unlimited disk space +
transfer, being publicized through many of are larger sites as well. We
offer many benefits as well as placing your own advertisements in the
ad run. Well, if your intrested feel free to E-mail me back or icq me
at ******* or perhaps find me in irc.drtwister.com or by phone at ***-***-****.
*** "****" *****
Game Hut Networks
From: [email protected]
Date: Wednesday, August 18, 1999 2:15 PM
Subject: Re: I really like your site. =)
Have you actually *read* the
Lum "the" Mad
STRIKE FORCE BLOWS UP ANOTHER MAD TOWER... OR WAS THAT STRIKE FORCE ON
Courtesy of https://www.anothermadtower.com/
Once again we at Lum the Mad
have laid waste to a perfectly innocuous message
board. It seemed that someone followed the link I posted yesterday
regarding the Avatar of Love
and Purity and posted a juvenile flame
involving me, my writing, the fact that in real life I look like a mutated
cross between Jabba the Hutt and Andre the Giant, and muttered aspersions
about computer programmers and my wife.
This prompted about 40,000
replies, all defending my better half's honor to some degree. Her response
was a quizzical "Huh? I mean, I'm no raving beauty but I don't think
anyone needs to put a bag over my head or anything..."
For the record, I like her,
she likes me, and last time I checked, neither one of us were looking
for dates. Now go make fun of someone else!
Old Man Murray has posted a
guide to being an incredibly gay person in Asheron's Call.
GETS FIFTEEN SECONDS OF FAME... HERE WAS SECOND 14 FOR ME
Just in case you missed it,
Stratics, The Celebrity Network, posted the log
of my visit.